This day will forever be coloured black.

•May 2, 2012 • Leave a Comment

Today something happened that puts my problems into perspective:

Death of a friend ūüė¶

The woman was a member of my mother’s group.

I am devastated. I know god has a reason for doing things like this bit it makes no sense to me.

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Hammer to fall

•April 30, 2012 • Leave a Comment

There are times in your life when you think you should feel happy but a piece of you keeps demanding that you do not rest in complacency. Today I feel like that. Things are going ok but a little piece of me feels like I am in a holding pattern waiting for the hammer to fall. Very pessimistic I know.

Meanwhile, my brother is a filthy pig.

That’s all I’ve got today.

I don’t understand

•April 26, 2012 • Leave a Comment

It’s been a while since I’ve written and things are not any easier. If anything I am coping worse than before.

The break from cam and his indifference to me and to us has made me realise just how much I love him. I am pining for him like you wouldn’t believe. I can’t eat, I don’t sleep until I’ve sobbed myself into exhaustion, I can’t even go about my day to day business without longing for him to be near me. My heart is utterly broken.

Today we spoke on the phone and he told me that he loves me but he hadn’t got it in him to do “us”. He is scared that if we give it another go we will fall back into the same negative behaviour patterns and he will be unhappy again. He says he needs to work on his own happiness and he just wants to be alone. I don’t begrudge him wanting to be happy but I can’t understand why he says he still loves me and cares about me but is shutting himself off from me like this. I would do anything to help him in his quest for happiness. I would do anything to prove to him how much I care and want him in my life. But he won’t let me in.

Tonight he told me he would call me and I literally sat with my phone beside me eagerly awaiting his call. I was longing to her his voice. At ten pm he messaged to say he was too tired and going to sleep. I was devastated. All afternoon and evening I looked forward to talking to him and now disappointment.

There is nothing I can do or say to make him see how much he means to me and how much this is hurting me. I’m so lost. He knew I’d be sad in the phone and instead of taking to me about it he shut me out. This is not the person I one knew so well. This person is cold and closed. This is not the person who had a special smile he only ever saved for me. The person who, despite all our problems, loved me no matter what. I don’t know who he is. He has a whole life I know nothing about and he does not want to include me in it. I am so alone.

No amount of crying eases the pain. I wish I could cut my heart out it hurts me so badly.

I need to put away the pictures of us that I look at everyday. In staring at one right now and I have to stop. But I feel like of I do that then it is really the end. If I stop fighting and give up then I’ll really fall apart.

Fuck this!!

Singing through the misery……

•April 22, 2012 • Leave a Comment

“Somebody That I Used To Know”
(feat. Kimbra)

[Gotye:]
Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough
No you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

Now you’re just somebody that I used to know
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

[Kimbra:]
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
Part of me believing it was always something that I’d done
But I don’t wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn’t catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

[Gotye:]
But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough
And you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

[x2]
Somebody
(I used to know)
Somebody
(Now you’re just somebody that I used to know)

(I used to know)
(That I used to know)
(I used to know)
Somebody

You have to wonder who your friends are sometimes

•April 22, 2012 • Leave a Comment

Today I got knocked for six again.

 

After spedning the week talking via email to Cam and having him reassure me that he is not seeing this girl, I was talking to a mutual friend about how sad I am about the whole situation.

 

This friend was kind enough to inform me that he is indeed seeing her and is quite serious about it.

 

Ouch x a million.

 

Now this friend knew that would hurt me deeply and the way they told me was really unkind.  But I know they were doing it because they are sick of Cam hurting me like this.

 

Now Cam supposedly wants to be my friend but he can’t tell me the truth about what is going on with his life?!?! Where is the respect. ¬†I am left feeling like an absolute fool.

 

How many times do I swallow this guys lies before I walk away?

 

Why can’t I stop loving him?

The baby daddy

•April 21, 2012 • Leave a Comment

The last few posts have been a little fixated on ye olde cam. Today I thought I would write about my baby daddy. I don’t think he needs a name but for the sake of a reference lets call him Fabio because he thinks he is the most beautiful man in the cosmos.

I’ve know Fabio for around ten years. I went out for a Sunday session and my friend bought him along to try and set us up. We were in the beer garden of a pub out the back of bumfuck Idaho and in walks this reasonably attractive picture of arrogance. We talked for a while and then he informed me that he was on ecstasy. I was like wtf?!? It was a Sunday afternoon – hardly the time to be partying on. I figured that was that and wrote him off as a deadshit.

It wasn’t until maybe a year later that I took more notice. By then I’d seen him a few times and was always overwhelmed by both his arrogance and his flirtatiousness. The guy was (and still is) shameless. At our mutual friend’s 21st we shared some kisses but it did not go any further.

A the years went by, we got older, his hair got thinner (ok he went almost completely bald by 25) and we flitted in and out of each other’s lives at parties and other social events. You’d think someone who experienced premature hair loss would find the experience humbling. Not this guy – if anything he became more arrogant. The ladies certainly loved it. I used to heckle him relentlessly about being a ladies man. We had a great relationship where we put shit in each other all the time for the fun of it.

Almost two years ago, cam and I decided we needed space. Ok I decided and he ha no choice but to agree. We moved out of our house we had lived together in. He moved into a share house with his siblings, I moved into a small apartment of my own. This apartment happened to be fairly close to Fabio’s house. One night after quite a few drinks at a show, I found myself talking to Fabio about “catching up sometime” (both of us well aware that he wanted sex). I agreed that it might be fun and told him to text me sometime. A couple of weeks later he did. I believe the text said:

hey want to catch up for some dinner and dessert or maybe each other?

Cheesy as hell.

I left it alone as cam and I were trying to work things through.

After a few more ridiculous texts that made me crack up laughing and a big fight with cam, I found myself agreeing to a few drinks. One thing led to another and we went to bed. I understood the arrogance once his pants were off – that boy is well put together. This may be TMI but his member was the biggest I’ve ever seen!! We had a fun night and I thought I’d leave it at that. A week later we caught up again and so on and so forth.

I was never in love with the guy but I got to know him better and in some ways respect him a little more. We were a short term thing. One of those here for a good time not a long time type engagements. So you can imagine it was one hell of a shock for me to find out I was pregnant.

I remember the night he was conceived. If he ever asks (what kid wants I know this but hey he might one day) I can tell him that it was passionate and I have fond memories. I’m glad it wasn’t seedy.

Fabio was not keen to be involved. A child would certainly cramp his style. I understood an respected that and left him to his own devices. I barely heard from him until I was seven months pregnant. Then he came and told me he did want to be a part of his son’s life but in limited capacity. I told him he was always welcome and I’d help in any way for this to work out.

After my beautiful child was born, Fabio did not cope at all. I suppose that once he saw this baby shit got real. He came to the conclusion that he couldn’t be the father and off we went on the rigmarole of DNA tests so my son could have his Father’s name on his birth certificate. It was a little stressful and my respect for him waned big time but hey – what can you do? You can’t force someone to be a man and face up to their responsibilities. They can only do it when they are ready.

Since the birth of Noah it has been a rollercoaster ride with Fabio. He has a lovely girlfriend who is more engaged and seems more caring about our son than he is. I get along very well with her and am very happy she is a grounding influence in his life. He is still a distant person in our lives and I don’t think he will ever be a fantastic influence in my son’s life but I am thankful that we can all get along and Noah will know where he came from. He can make his own decisions about the quality of his Father’s parenting when he is old enough. Until then it is my job to facilitate their relationship to the best of my ability. I think it helps that there are no confused emotions there. I think it makes it easier to make decisions that are in Noah’s best interests.

I am watching him sitting in front of the tv chatting to Thomas the Tank Engine and I feel so proud to have him in my life. He came about in such a convoluted way but he is mine and I wouldn’t change what happened for the world.

Whenever I am down I just need to spend time with him and the world is a much happier place. He gives me purpose that I could need be bothered to have before ūüôā

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

•April 20, 2012 • Leave a Comment

Today Cam and I had a long email session. ¬†There was a lot of talking about where we went wrong and what we wish we had of done differently. ¬†Although I thought this conversation would have made me feel better I actually feel a thousand times worse. ¬†He is gone from my life and yet I can’t let him go quietly.¬†

 

He has a new love interest . ¬†She is six years younger than me, a million kilos lighter, lives close to him, much prettier and does not have the “baggage” of a child. ¬†She exudes the vivaciousness that only youth can provide you with. ¬†I feel so defeated. ¬†There is not way I can compete with that. ¬†I will fail every time. ¬†My self esteem has reached a newfound low. ¬†The man I thought would always love me has traded me in for a newer, better model. ¬†

 

He is so closed off from me. He lied about his involvement with her and tried to make me think that he needed to break away to work on himself. ¬†Instead now I see that he has moved on and I have been cast aside. ¬†There is nothing I can do to change this. ¬†I am a second rate copy of the girl I used to be and he does not want me anymore. ¬†I don’t think anyone ever will.

 

I have lost the other part of my heart.

 

The only way out of his is through it – it is going to be a long journey and I get the feeling that there is much more heartache to follow. ¬†If I was smart I’d walk away from this – but I am not. ¬†I know I am going to fight until the end – until he is forced to tell me bluntly that everything we have shared is no longer relevant or meaningful. ¬†He is on his way to make new memories, better memories, with someone he cares for more than me and I will be left sifting through the wreckage, searching for something that is not there anymore.

How can something that felt so right have ended up like this?  How can the man that I feel with every shred of my being was my soulmate and the one I was going to marry Рno longer want a part in our formerly shared hopes and dreams?  How am I ever going to rise above this and see myself as anything other than tarnished second rate goods?

 

I’m not doing well tonight (obviously). ¬†I wish that the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind was reality. ¬†If I could erase him then I could spare myself the torture that this heartbreak is causing. Every time I put my son to bed I switch of from happy, caring mummy mode and thoughts spin through my head. I’m having trouble eating and I can’t fall asleep. ¬†I don’t know what to do.