Funny memories

I think one of the many lingering effects of a drug addiction is the way memories get fuzzy and lost. After au years you would think I’d have more crystal clear moments I could look back on. I can recall so many fights in graphic detail and yet some of the happy memories are blurred around the edges.

There was so much good in our relationship that complemented the bad. We were perfect mirrors of each other. So alike in so many ways – both good and bad. We lacked the strength and insight to pull each other onto the straight and narrow because we were so busy trying to lead each other off it. Some of the situations we got ourselves into make me laugh so much.

There was a night in Thailand where, after a lot of alcohol was consumed, we jumped on the back of complete strangers’ mopeds and joined off to a party in the back streets of Phuket. It was a wonderful night but who knows what we were thinking. After we got back to our hotel in the very early hours, we sat on pool lounges and talked until the sun came up. That is a wonderful memory that makes me smile.

There was a day when he had chucked a sickie from work (we did those irresponsible things quite often) and we spent it in bed. Actually there were a lot of these days – this one in particular stands out in my mind. We were living in our new house and we were so happy with each other. I remember him holding my hand gently and looking into his blue eyes. It felt like nothing would ever come between us.

Another day (more recently) the three of us went to the aquatic centre. It was so lovely being able to go somewhere and feel like a little family. We took my son swimming for ages and he had a wonderful time. Afterwards we had lunch together. It was a warm summer day and the memory glows golden with the feeling of happiness.

I’m lying in bed and tonight is a good night. I’m not hysterically crying, instead I am reminiscing about happy times. It is inevitable that I will feel sad at what has been lost. But it is important that whilst grieving I allow myself time to enjoy these beautiful memories.

If only we had another chance. Knowing what we know now – surely we wouldn’t make the same mistakes?

Who knows – maybe we would. Maybe we were destined to be each other’s life lesson and nothing more.


~ by abstarini on April 18, 2012.

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