Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Today Cam and I had a long email session.  There was a lot of talking about where we went wrong and what we wish we had of done differently.  Although I thought this conversation would have made me feel better I actually feel a thousand times worse.  He is gone from my life and yet I can’t let him go quietly. 

 

He has a new love interest .  She is six years younger than me, a million kilos lighter, lives close to him, much prettier and does not have the “baggage” of a child.  She exudes the vivaciousness that only youth can provide you with.  I feel so defeated.  There is not way I can compete with that.  I will fail every time.  My self esteem has reached a newfound low.  The man I thought would always love me has traded me in for a newer, better model.  

 

He is so closed off from me. He lied about his involvement with her and tried to make me think that he needed to break away to work on himself.  Instead now I see that he has moved on and I have been cast aside.  There is nothing I can do to change this.  I am a second rate copy of the girl I used to be and he does not want me anymore.  I don’t think anyone ever will.

 

I have lost the other part of my heart.

 

The only way out of his is through it – it is going to be a long journey and I get the feeling that there is much more heartache to follow.  If I was smart I’d walk away from this – but I am not.  I know I am going to fight until the end – until he is forced to tell me bluntly that everything we have shared is no longer relevant or meaningful.  He is on his way to make new memories, better memories, with someone he cares for more than me and I will be left sifting through the wreckage, searching for something that is not there anymore.

How can something that felt so right have ended up like this?  How can the man that I feel with every shred of my being was my soulmate and the one I was going to marry – no longer want a part in our formerly shared hopes and dreams?  How am I ever going to rise above this and see myself as anything other than tarnished second rate goods?

 

I’m not doing well tonight (obviously).  I wish that the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind was reality.  If I could erase him then I could spare myself the torture that this heartbreak is causing. Every time I put my son to bed I switch of from happy, caring mummy mode and thoughts spin through my head. I’m having trouble eating and I can’t fall asleep.  I don’t know what to do.

 

 

Advertisements

~ by abstarini on April 20, 2012.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: