I don’t understand

It’s been a while since I’ve written and things are not any easier. If anything I am coping worse than before.

The break from cam and his indifference to me and to us has made me realise just how much I love him. I am pining for him like you wouldn’t believe. I can’t eat, I don’t sleep until I’ve sobbed myself into exhaustion, I can’t even go about my day to day business without longing for him to be near me. My heart is utterly broken.

Today we spoke on the phone and he told me that he loves me but he hadn’t got it in him to do “us”. He is scared that if we give it another go we will fall back into the same negative behaviour patterns and he will be unhappy again. He says he needs to work on his own happiness and he just wants to be alone. I don’t begrudge him wanting to be happy but I can’t understand why he says he still loves me and cares about me but is shutting himself off from me like this. I would do anything to help him in his quest for happiness. I would do anything to prove to him how much I care and want him in my life. But he won’t let me in.

Tonight he told me he would call me and I literally sat with my phone beside me eagerly awaiting his call. I was longing to her his voice. At ten pm he messaged to say he was too tired and going to sleep. I was devastated. All afternoon and evening I looked forward to talking to him and now disappointment.

There is nothing I can do or say to make him see how much he means to me and how much this is hurting me. I’m so lost. He knew I’d be sad in the phone and instead of taking to me about it he shut me out. This is not the person I one knew so well. This person is cold and closed. This is not the person who had a special smile he only ever saved for me. The person who, despite all our problems, loved me no matter what. I don’t know who he is. He has a whole life I know nothing about and he does not want to include me in it. I am so alone.

No amount of crying eases the pain. I wish I could cut my heart out it hurts me so badly.

I need to put away the pictures of us that I look at everyday. In staring at one right now and I have to stop. But I feel like of I do that then it is really the end. If I stop fighting and give up then I’ll really fall apart.

Fuck this!!

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~ by abstarini on April 26, 2012.

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